Modeling Faith

One of the things we parents often miss is just how critical our own faith is in shaping our children. I’m not talking about making a profession of faith where you decide to align yourself with a particular denomination or a specific set of beliefs.

I’m thinking more about a radical faith that doesn‘t really make sense, faith that’s hardcore, faith that makes people around you suspect that you actually believe God will come through when all the circumstances point to a different conclusion.

I’m there right now; unemployed, not a penny of savings, quite a bit of debt. I have a family of six to support and no job in sight and it’s been like this for a while. Quite a while. We borrow money to keep eating and paying basic bills but in about two months that won’t even be an option anymore. Then what?

And what I’m really asking when I ask ‘then what?’ is ‘will God come through?’ Will God lead me to employment? Will God send a check in the mail? Or will we crash and burn?

Spiritually, the battle is intense. Everyday I feel anger, bitterness, fear, panic, depression. I am constantly tempted to let these feelings take over, to lie down and curl up in a ball of despair.

But lately I’ve been making different choices, choices which are uncharacteristic for me. I’ve been engaging in the battle. I’ve been fighting back, and I’m beginning to have this odd perception that there’s something much bigger going on here than my impoverished circumstances might suggest.

I’ve been reading the Bible like it was a message from God. To me. I’ve heard the words way too often, but never the voice behind them. Now I’m taking the sixth chapter of Ephesians seriously and pretty much every day when I feel like God has deserted me, I talk to God and I say stuff like, ‘God, I don’t even feel like you exist right now, but you’ve promised that, ‘you will never leave me or forsake me. So, in spite of how I’m feeling, in spite of how things look, I want to affirm my choice to believe you. It really is a lot like pulling out a sword and hacking away at some venomous viper before it can sink it’s fangs into your spirit and cause a kind of paralysis of the will, a surrender to your circumstances and feelings.

It’s really strange and, in a common sense sort of way, completely illogical, but the more I affirm this choice to believe in juxtaposition with my difficult circumstances, the more I actually do believe.

I’m letting my kids in on the struggle too, even though, for a long time I didn’t want them to know. I was worried about what it might do to their faith when we prayed for God to do a miracle and it didn’t happen. Now we pray and there’s anticipation among us, building slowly like an offshore wave, still small but growing.

I want my kids to be there with me when the wave breaks and God does something entirely unpredictable and amazing. I want to celebrate with them and praise God with them, but I also want them to be part of the process. I want them to see, to witness the struggle to believe, to understand that it’s not just about getting what you want from God, but more about getting God and being a part of whatever he’s doing.

Right now, I’m trying to believe Matthew 6:33 where Jesus, talking about God, says, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

I’ve been spending most of my life trying to figure out how to build my own kingdom. There have been all kinds of hopes, aspirations, plans and dreams. Some have been realized, most haven’t. I’ve always liked Matthew 6:33 because it seemed comforting. I liked the part about ‘all these things being given to me..‘ But now, in retrospect, I don’t think I’ve ever really sought God’s kingdom. Maybe I’ve dabbled a little bit here and there, but the truth is I’ve always been hell-bent on creating my own little paradise.

Now, when things are looking a bit desperate and I really need, ‘all these things’ to be given to me, I’m noticing the part about seeking God’s kingdom and I’m finding that even though I’m scared, I really want to do it. And I really want my wife and my kids to do it with me, to hold hands and jump off the cliff together, to see if God really is going to catch us.

I’ll let you know what happens.